Grandpa

His shoes were big

Size 15

They matched his heart;

sturdy, strong, and spacious

Slipping my 5 year old feet into his shoes

I’d stand up straight and dream of being tall

It was more than just height

It was his character:

Generous with his time

Passionate about things he believed

Devoted to his family

and… had a twinkle in his eye.

“Tell us a Hat story, Grandpa”, we’d say.

With creative flare and style,

He’d make Bible stories come to life

as he acted out multiple characters. 

If his shoes could talk, 

They’d tell stories of adventures

both in other countries

and in his community.

He’d run up Mount Pisgah, 

a trail he took most mornings.

And walked beside grandma 

for 62 years.

His feet would help make music 

by pushing down the pedal.

One hand would accompany on the piano

and the other play his trumpet. 

Reminding us of his favorite hymn

he’d sing in perfect harmony,

“Jesus, take this heart of mine;

Make it pure and wholly Thine”

                _____

My grandpa’s heart was big

and his shoes cannot be filled.

But I will dream of that day

When I can stand tall beside him

We’ll sing “Jesus Loves Me”. 

In an earth made new

And grandpa will put on his shoes again,

The ones that match his heart.

Longing

A desire. 

For something deeper

maybe unknown?

An ache in the soul;

Stretching deeper.

It questions the unknown.

It urges,

It stirs,

It leads.

To seek out the One,

To reach higher and deeper.

Somethings still unknown.

A desire,

An ache in the soul, 

To be close to the One. 

Clouds

If we were clouds,
So wispy and free,
We'd let God form
With His purposeful breath.

So creatable, colorful
Bearing His image

Oh, to be a cloud
With His breath as my air. 

The Whole World

He's got the whole world,
The WHOLE.
It's broken,
But,
In His hands,
He's making it whole. 

Enough

""17 
Why do I feel such a need to be perfect?
I've finally come to the place where I can now identify this problem. I find myself throughout the day questioning or reacting to things and if I pause and try and find the root of where those thought are coming from, they often come from the dark place of, "I'm not _____ enough." That blank could be any number of words; loving enough, smart enough, adventurous enough, outgoing enough... I have been comparing myself with others for far too long and I have been letting those thoughts define me. Why is it so hard to embrace myself for in I am?
Embracing gifts from others is hard for me too. I believe it is rooted in these feelings. How can I accept a gift when I feel like I don't deserve it? When there are so many other people out there that would like the gift, or need it more? The thing is, people give gifts because they love and care about me. Just like I thrive on giving to others, I should be able to let others do that for me.
So, now that I've been able to decipher these feelings, I am on a journey to try and reverse them, to strive to love myself for who God purposefully made me to be.

I love the verse, Zephaniah 3:17. It says,

"The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

What a beautiful thing it is to think that God takes great delight in me, and in you. He see's all the brokenness and He loves us just as much! But the amazing part is that he doesn't focus on our brokenness, He only see's that we are His. 

Wow. That is love.

So, with God's help I am going to strive to believe and live like I am enough.

Perspective

She stares up at me with her sad brown eyes and practically whispers to me in a tone that makes my heart slump. "No one wants to play with me." she said. I stop pushing the 4 kids on the swing for a moment and squat down next to her. I ask her what she wants to do and it turns out it's very specific. She wants to swing with Morgan, Stephanie, and Shanon. The problem is they are busy playing tag. "Well, what about joing in their game?" I say. She likes the idea so I point to a group running around joyously. "My dad says I can't play with boys." She looks down somberly. ...Oh dear.  Eventually we figure something out and she runs off and I return to the kids on the swings shouting to get pushed "high to the sky!!". But she's only gone for a bit and then she's back with the same heartbreaking comment,  "No one wants to play with me." 

When she first came to me her comment just seemed a little bit selfish. I wanted to tell her that the kids would play with her if she joined in with the games they were playing, that sometimes she might have to compromise and play with them and then, they would play what she wanted to play. But as she kept coming back after that, it gradually hit home. My heart slumped because I knew how she felt. I wished that she wouldn't have to experiance that. It's taken my own experiances to realize that sometimes I just need to change perspective; to stop focusing on me and giving myself a pity party. Because the truth is, I'm the one that needs to change my attitude and throw some self confidence into the pile. ;) 

Focusing on other people, listening to them and just being with them has changed my perspective. It's like being pushed, "high to the sky"; a sky filled with joy. 

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Role Models

"I eat my peas with honey;

I've done it all my life.

It makes the peas taste funny,

But it keeps them on the knife."

I learned this poem from one of the dearest people I know as we sat around the dinner table this evening. This is the kind of enjoyment they share when I'm with them.  A couple who we have to our house every time I'm home. They show as much love to each other as they show to the ones around them. I always feel warm when I'm with them. 

They are some of the funniest people I know as well. I wish I could remember all the things they say, it just fills my heart to the brim. 

Knowing the Vendens has given me a true example of what I want to be like someday. Someone who loves others, loves their spouse, makes people laugh, and when they talk about Jesus, you can see excitement all over. I wish you all could meet them. Maybe someday you will. ;) 

I was sitting next to her with a fuzzy blanket over our laps as she wrote a short Christmas card to my parents. I could tell she was pondering what to say to finish it. She looked up at me with a sparkle in her eye and said, "I think I'll sign it 'me and him'. They won't get us mixed up." She winked and signed the card with gusto. 

A Letter to a Disagreeing Church

Religion class got me thinking today. It was question and answer time for the whole two hour class period and the teacher was being asked some pretty tough questions about Adventism. Almost all were directed at doctrines, structure or beliefs. That's a tough spot to be in; answering questions representing the whole of a religion. I started thinking... Why is it so important that we focus on a religions belief system?

Not once, did a question come up about how we as Adventists live out our beliefs. For example, loving people and being "the light of the world". I recognize that beliefs are the foundation, they represent where we are coming from and I love discussing ideas from a variety of backgrounds. But I feel like we are missing the biggest key ingredient. Jesus! I think we spend to much time disagreeing with each other and trying to say who's right and who's wrong; whether woman should be ordained, if this world was created in 7 days, one day, or billions of years, or even which day of the week is the "true" sabbath.

I think that one of the reasons young people are leaving the church is because we spend a huge amount of energy on doctrines and duties. This is what's being portrayed to the people around us. This will never give a valid representation of a group because we will never agree 100% with one another. Instead, it creates tension, bickering and judgment. Everyone will live and describe their religion in a certain way, To judge the religion as a whole, by how the individual acts and lives alone, will get us into trouble. The truth is, we are all broken. We can't give a perfect representation of our belief system because... we mess up. As a human, we look for the "right" religion or ideas. (because why would we want to be wrong?). So how do we make sense of all this mess? This is where God comes into the story. 

God works in our brokenness. He made us from dirt! Dirt isn't flattering. He could have made us from rainbows, moss, or flowers but, he wanted to make a point. God can make beauty from something as mundane as dirt. 

I believe God works through people and I believe he works through many different religions. Trying to prove one is right and another is wrong ignores the example that Jesus set when he lived on earth. His mission was to love. And not to love just the people that followed him and believed what he was saying, but also to the people who hated him, argued with him, and talked poorly against him. 

May we stop becoming worked up about what each other believes, but start embracing the beauty in differences. May we start living and being the love of God that this broken world so desperately needs.

Value

The notification indicates a pending friend request, an event to accept or deny, a friend seeing how my classes are going. I pretend not to see them.
A friend asks if I want to make lunch with them on the weekend. It's monday, so I say, "I'm not sure yet what my plans are. I'll let you know." I want to "leave my options open".
In a world where technology is so advanced, and the ways of communicating with one another are so vast, it's easy to wait till the last second to make plans.

I love being spontaneous and waiting till the last moment, until I have all my options in front of me and then I choose what the best option is. Until recently, I thought it was a brilliant way to live. I was able to do exactly what I wanted. This was perfect because I hate going back on my word. For example if I tell someone I will join them for dinner and then something comes up, my greatest regret is having to tell them I am not able to make it anymore. So, in this way, I can make sure I keep my word.

However, over the last few days I have been thinking of value; how I feel valued and the way in which I make others feel valued.
My decisions, whether I want it or not, affect other people. I realized that my decisions of waiting till the moment, may cause someone to not feel valued. Let's go back to my friend inviting me to dinner. If I tell her that I don't know what I'll be doing yet, that first of all tells her I don't have plans set in stone. Second of all, it admits that I believe there may be something "better, or more fun" that might come up and in that case, I wouldn't eat dinner with her.
This realization puts me in a bind. It makes me ask the question, "Do I value my relationships enough that I would put them on hold just in case something else comes up that sounds more appealing to me?" That just makes it all about me. Selfish. It disregards that my friend may be planning to make the food and spend a long time preparing it to make it special. Instead, it places all the decision on where I will have the most enjoyable time.
If I am invited and say, "Yes! That is so sweet of you to invite me to dinner. I would love to hang out with you." That is telling her, 'You know, even if something that may be more adventurous, or something I've longed to do for awhile comes up, I am still choosing to spend the time with you, because I value you.'

With all these thoughts, I am going to strive to make sure I am not choosing my plans based on what I think will be the most enjoyable for me, but rather, what will make others feel valued. I don't want to be someone putting invitations off to wait for the best. The best, may be spending time with them and making them feel special.

Art

Art is not what you see, but what you help others to see.” - Edgar Degas.

A splash of green, a burst of yellow, a hint of brown. The painter is making the emptiness come to life. 
The melodious sound of a viola, the rich tones of an oboe, the brass joins the party. Musicians are creating emotions.
A squeeze of bleach, a squirt of windex, a swipe of a sponge. The Janitor turns a mess into beauty.
Voices of happy children, math lesson taught with victory, the red ink corrects. A teacher awakens the mind. 

We all play a part in creating something from what we’ve been given. It is our choice to make it beautiful. God, the artist, has created us to “bring out the God-colors in the world” (Matt. 5:14). As humans, no matter what we do in life, we carry the image of God. 

I saw an elderly man on his walk this morning, he struggled to get his foot up to the curb trying to bring it closer so he could bend down and tie his shoe. A runner on her morning jaunt paused and asked if she could lend a hand. She was bearing the image of God. 
A woman with hands more than full makes her way to the parking lot fiddling to find her keys. Her daughter is ready for a nap and not being compliant. One of the bags gives out and produce, cans and napkins fall to the unforgiving asphalt. A teenager clearly in a hurry, pauses and rushes over to help pick up the mess. He was bearing the image of God. 

Moments. That is all it takes, is a moment, to express the creative design of God. The challenge is that we are broken. We are cracked. But that’s what God uses best. He uses weak. He uses broken-hearted. He uses us. With Him, we can create art. We can create a masterpiece. We can help others see His beauty, His love.