Fear

Fear... it gets to me.
The fear of failure. The fear of loosing someone. The fear of rejection.
Sometimes I wish I could just slap myself and say, "Come on Lisa, suck it up!"
The problem with fear is that it keeps me from living life to the fullest. I holds me back. It's like a chain forcing me to stay in one area of my prison cell.
I try and let go of the fear. I try and talk myself out of it. But like a lot of things, I can't do it alone. I need help. It's hard for me to admit I need help. But I'm learning.
I just need to trust that God knows what's going to happen. And He'll help me through anything.
It's fear that keeps life interesting. It's fear that gives the edge to adventure. It's fear that helps me to refocus on the One that has my life in His hands.
Fear... it gets to me.

Hope and Love

It was a still and quiet morning when I packed up my last things and hauled them down the stairs. I had said goodnight to the kids one last time the night before and it was hard. The kids kept asking me, “Why do you have to go?” “Please... Don’t go” “You stay please”. With a pleading looks on their faces I just couldn’t do anything but ache. I wish I could tell them why I have to go and tell them how much I love them. This morning a few of the caregivers and teachers came to send us off. And some of the older kids woke up to the sound of the car starting. I sat with Danny in my lap until it was time to go and then hugged my friends goodbye with tear filled eyes. It was tough to look at all the kids faces. They just had so many questions in their eyes. And I just couldn’t keep the tears back when I saw them. I ruffled the hair of the boys and blew kisses to everyone there. Timothy, a 5 year old boy, called out to me right before we left and said, “Lisa, you Sunday come?” Oh, my heart hurt when I heard those words. I wish he knew how much I would love to come on Sunday. As soon as the car pulled out of the gate, I broke down. I couldn’t hold back the wave of tears. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. 

As I sat on the runway, thoughts just flooded my mind. The joys, pains, crying and laughter all rushed over me. As the plane took off down the runway I just couldn’t keep it down. I felt like a wave had rose up inside of me. A wave of feelings and memories. The wave just had to break through. I began to cry once again as the wheels lifted off of the ground I have called my home for the past 6 months. I blew a kiss out the window and talked to God about the past months. He gave me peace and put a thought in my head. If these kids can love me this much when I’ve only been their for a few short months. How much more does God love me? It’s hard to comprehend. I just hope I showed the kids how huge His love for each of them is. 

Aching Hearts

I just couldn’t keep it in. So, I cried as our van pulled out of the village school. Looking back at the crowd of parents, guardians or family of the new babies we had in our van, I could just see the painful tears coming from their eyes. Words cannot describe how much agony I saw in those faces. And I let my tears fall as well. The five girls stared out the window and wailed as they watched their familiar home slowly faded into the distance. 

The smallest girl is two months. Her mother died just 25 days after her birth and her father, a farmer, just couldn’t take care of her and work as well. We discovered this poor girl has pneumonia. She might have died if we hadn’t come to get her. We brought two girls about one and a half, back with us. The first one was being cared for by her mother. Her father became mentally ill after seeing his dad murdered in front of his eyes. So the mom couldn’t take care of all three of her daughters alone. The other girl that is the same age is the one I got to hold for some of the trip. Her and her sister came from a very poor family that had built their home on the side of the road because they had no property. They had three older sisters who went to live with their grandparents and these two girls came to us. The oldest girl we brought back is probably three and a half. Her dad picked up and left after she was born and then a year or so later her mom did the same thing leaving this girl to live with her grandpa. But he just couldn’t take care of her anymore. And this is how all five of these beautiful girls came to be with us. I’m sure they are overwhelmed with all these changes right now but I know that God brought them to BanglaHope for a reason. It’s hard for me to imagine what a parent must go through giving up their children. It must be an awful experience. These girls will cry a bit in the next few days, and the parents will feel pain as well. I just hope they can feel at peace with probably the hardest decision they had to make. 

This is Kylee.