Enough

""17 
Why do I feel such a need to be perfect?
I've finally come to the place where I can now identify this problem. I find myself throughout the day questioning or reacting to things and if I pause and try and find the root of where those thought are coming from, they often come from the dark place of, "I'm not _____ enough." That blank could be any number of words; loving enough, smart enough, adventurous enough, outgoing enough... I have been comparing myself with others for far too long and I have been letting those thoughts define me. Why is it so hard to embrace myself for in I am?
Embracing gifts from others is hard for me too. I believe it is rooted in these feelings. How can I accept a gift when I feel like I don't deserve it? When there are so many other people out there that would like the gift, or need it more? The thing is, people give gifts because they love and care about me. Just like I thrive on giving to others, I should be able to let others do that for me.
So, now that I've been able to decipher these feelings, I am on a journey to try and reverse them, to strive to love myself for who God purposefully made me to be.

I love the verse, Zephaniah 3:17. It says,

"The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

What a beautiful thing it is to think that God takes great delight in me, and in you. He see's all the brokenness and He loves us just as much! But the amazing part is that he doesn't focus on our brokenness, He only see's that we are His. 

Wow. That is love.

So, with God's help I am going to strive to believe and live like I am enough.

Perspective

She stares up at me with her sad brown eyes and practically whispers to me in a tone that makes my heart slump. "No one wants to play with me." she said. I stop pushing the 4 kids on the swing for a moment and squat down next to her. I ask her what she wants to do and it turns out it's very specific. She wants to swing with Morgan, Stephanie, and Shanon. The problem is they are busy playing tag. "Well, what about joing in their game?" I say. She likes the idea so I point to a group running around joyously. "My dad says I can't play with boys." She looks down somberly. ...Oh dear.  Eventually we figure something out and she runs off and I return to the kids on the swings shouting to get pushed "high to the sky!!". But she's only gone for a bit and then she's back with the same heartbreaking comment,  "No one wants to play with me." 

When she first came to me her comment just seemed a little bit selfish. I wanted to tell her that the kids would play with her if she joined in with the games they were playing, that sometimes she might have to compromise and play with them and then, they would play what she wanted to play. But as she kept coming back after that, it gradually hit home. My heart slumped because I knew how she felt. I wished that she wouldn't have to experiance that. It's taken my own experiances to realize that sometimes I just need to change perspective; to stop focusing on me and giving myself a pity party. Because the truth is, I'm the one that needs to change my attitude and throw some self confidence into the pile. ;) 

Focusing on other people, listening to them and just being with them has changed my perspective. It's like being pushed, "high to the sky"; a sky filled with joy. 

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” ― Mahatma Gandhi